the Lost Interview
by joseph & David
While the band was notorious for their mis-treatment of reporters and other members of the press, occasionally they allowed themselves to be interviewed. The following interview was almost published in the Great Plains Music Journal, only to be accidently misplaced by the interviewer moments before deadline. Discovered ten years later in the back of a closet by the interviewer's mother (along with two copies of Winter-White Asses and a hopelessly dried-out bag of weed), this interview is priceless for its insight into CSATFCWB's evolving musical styles and the growing friction that ultimately tore the band apart.
(December 17, 1989--Clark Schpiell and the Furry Cockroaches Without Butts have been one of the biggest movers and shakers in the American music scene over the last few years, especially in states like North Dakota and provinces like Saskatchewan and the Northwest Territories. Their blend of high-energy rock, their lewd and lascivious on-stage antics, and the high-drama of their off-stage lives combine to make a group that is musically compelling and utterly psychotic.
Think of how excited we were to discover that they'd ended their six-month hiatus (although there were rumors of a break-up, it was discovered that Geiser just needed to recover from hemorrhoid surgery) with a tour that started in Powers Lake, North Dakota, long a haven of CS fandom.
In front of a crowd that made up in hair spray and bad perms what they lacked in number or enthusiasm, CSFCWB put on a hell of a show, proving that they are still the loudest band west of the Red River and east of Havre and north of Aberdeen and south of Winnipeg. After the concert, we caught up with them and their manager, Chris, backstage. Expecting the usual dousing-with-gasoline-and-igniting-with-a-butane-torch treatment that they often give reporters, I found them to be cordial and near coherent.)
INT: Great show tonight, didn't you think? That
must have been one of your
loudest concerts yet.
DR M: Woot? . . . Woot?
BIG J: Yeah, it was good, real nice, man, there
was one little honey in the
front, man, I could tell, she was looking me up
and down, she saw that bulge
in my pants and she knew it was for her, oh yeah
man, she was checking me
out, she was, like, "Is that for me?" and I was
like, "You bet your
camel-toe it is, you little slut." It was
backstage backdoor time, if you
know what I'm saying . . .
INT: Well, now, I noticed you didn't play any
songs from your last album,
"Boogaloo You Too, Bugaboo." Why was that?
DAVE: Well, that album was really us trying to be
commercial, and we just
felt like such sell-outs making that. I mean,
that record sold something
like eighty-nine copies, and we were just, "Whoa,
slow down," it was all
happening too fast.
GEISER: Where the hell's my inflatable seat
cushion, the one with the little
ducks on it? I left it right here.
ECK: To be fair, too, we felt like we couldn't do
much of the music from
that album because when we recorded it, Little J
unplugged everyone's amps
and mics, and so that was a problem. It was
really just forty-eight minutes
and twenty-three seconds of silence, plus a
little buzz because the mixing
board wasn't grounded properly. Besides, it's
just as well, Dave was moving
into some lyrical territory that was pretty
DAVE: It wasn't offensive, those lyrics were
INT: Yes, I was hoping that the album would have
had at least liner notes or
lyrics printed, as it was, it was really just a
jewel case with a blank CD
ECK: Well, we were using second-hand discs, we
took old Anderson Buford
Wakeman & Howe CDs and scrubbed them with Comet,
so they probably wouldn't
have printed up that well anyway.
INT: But Dave did send some sample lyric sheets
to the trade mags as part of
your marketing packet, and I was very intrigued
by some of the songs, like
"Bananaman," the lyric: "I rape your
mother/Bananaman, Bananaman/I rape your
mother/Bananaman, Bananaman." I was curious as to
whether or not it was the
Bananaman raping someone's mother or whether
someone was raping Bananaman's
mother. I thought the musical context might have
cleared that up.
DAVE: I think it was really the ambiguity that I
was going for in that one.
BIG J: Dudes, we should have done that one,
'cause then I would have
thrusted everytime we got to the Bananaman part,
like Bananaman, boom boom,
Bananaman, boom boom, like that. That would have
excited that little honey,
that would have oiled and lubed her, if you know
what I'm saying.
CHRIS: It turned out for the best, though, Little
J just stole that melody
from George Harrison, so we probably would have
been sued over it.
INT: Dr M, I noticed you taking a lot of extended
clarinet solos during this
concert, something you haven't done much of, and
I thought what was
interesting is that you were really exploring new
sonic territory. In fact,
it seemed like you were playing completely apart
from the rest of the band,
stopping songs after they did, playing in
different keys and time
DR M: I was zhust trying to . . . trying to flow
with it, groove on it, get
it deep and get it, just, fucking . . . ROCK AND
INT: Yes, but--
DR M: ROCK AND ROLL! ROCK AND ROLL! ROCK AND . .
LITTLE J: Settle down, M-daddy.
DR M: wuzhishnow . . . ?
INT: Okay, well, I'd like to talk about the sound
quality tonight. In the
past you've been criticized for having a pretty
limited sonic spectrum, with
really only drums and keyboards being audible,
along with your signature
booming, feedback-laden, incomprehensible vocals,
but tonight you really
seem to be changing that. Is there a reason
ECK: Having the instruments plugged in helps.
LITTLE J: And I've been learning how to play my
instrument, which I found
surprisingly helpful, especially in a live
setting. I have about four chords
right now, and I've got two more that I should be
able to incorporate when
we start the European leg.
CHRIS: I want to make it clear that Clark
Schpiell will not be traveling to
Andorra, Spain, Italy, Germany, or Sweden, since
all of those countries have
threatened to proceed with criminal charges if we
ever even said we were
going to play there again.
INT: I had thought England had also banned the
CHRIS: Only Wales and most of the London
boroughs. At this time.
BIG J: I gotta tell you, I really thought you
could say stuff like that
about the queen, I just didn't . . . I figured
she'd take it as a
compliment. Truth is, I figured everyone would
want to do that with a queen.
She's a fucking queen!
GEISER: But all that's behind us now. We're
trying to stay focused on the
INT: I noticed that even more so than in most
concerts in the past, Eck's
solo number "Dream of Me Tonight, My
Lilac-Skinned Beauty That I Love So
True," was, as always, a huge hit, and in fact
eighty percent of the
audience left immediately afterward.
ECK: I suppose.
INT: One can't help but wonder why . . . well,
why more . . . similar songs
haven't been recorded and performed by the group.
LITTLE J: I'll take this one. I think that, as
the other half of the group's
songwriting members, that while that song is a
nice counterpoint, and it's
nice to take a quick double-whiskey-shot break
during the second set, the
group's songwriting focus is really upon two
things: loudness and lewdness.
Or lew-oudness, as I like to say. That's not like
a Hawaiian luau, but--
INT: I get it, I understand. But, Eck, it seems
that your vocal strengths
might be more--
(At this point, we were interrupted by a roadie,
in fact, the group's only
roadie, Cobble T. Turnip--the middle initial also
stands for Turnip--came in
and give an envelope to Eck. He opens it and a
pair of panties fall out. He
pulls out a note, reads it and then gets up,
excuses himself and walks out.)
BIG J: He better not be getting any from my
little Camel-Toe. All you
fuckers stay away from Camel-Toe, I ain't
double-dipping with any of you
pieces of shit.
INT: Dr M, during your normal solo on "Jizebel,"
you really kept that one
going, the entire solo clocked in at about
forty-eight minutes, in fact the
last fifteen or so you just stood frozen on stage
honking and bleating so
loudly that the audience went outside until it
was over. What was going on
DR M: Colors.
INT: I'm sorry?
DR M: Colors. I was painting this rainbow, man, I
was moving through it and
so I started taking the colors and I put them in
the horn and I blew them
out at everyone out in the audience. I gave them
colors, and then with the
light they all became like angels, like avatars,
you could see their flaming
swords, and then the swords became bent and
crooked and their wings fell off
and they withered and they all bent over, they
were getting old and dying.
"I'll save you, rainbow people," I said, "here's
more color, I'm playing
more color, more color. The color will save you."
But then I was giving them
bad colors, the wrong ones, something, I don't
know, they started getting
little horns and fangs and they started looking
at me and they knew I had
all the color. "Don't get greedy for the colors,"
I said, but they kept
coming up towards me, snaking up towards me, I
couldn't breathe, I COULDN'T
BREATHE!!!! I CAN'T BREATHE.
CHRIS: He's fine, just let me get him a pill . .
. No, not that one, not
that one . . . not that one, where's my little
DR M: AIR! AIR! I NEED AIR!
DAVE: They're on the table!
CHRIS: No, the little yellow ones with the X
printed on them. Here it is.
There you go, big boy.
DR M: I need . . . streaming little flakes of
sunshine, look at those . . .
INT: Dave, tonight there were several songs in
which some of the lyrics
could actually be made out. For instance, during
"My Gym Teacher Stole My
Girlfriend" I could clearly make out the entire
verse of "My baby stays
after school/Running all them laps/But I ain't no
fool/He's thumping her
flaps." This seems like a new direction.
DAVE: Well, I want to make it clear that I'm
still very much into
incoherence, but I want to grow as a vocalist,
move in new directions.
GEISER: The whole band is expanding its horizons.
I wanted to introduce a
classical element, and considering the limited
instrumental talents of the
members, we did an acapella version of "Moonlight
Sonata." I mean, that's
something we never would have done.
DAVE: No, never.
GEISER: It's about all of us growing as people.
Before my operation, I
thought heavy metal was it, but now I see that we
can all of us grow
musically and share that with each other. I mean,
hemorrhoids really opened
INT: I was intrigued by the new direction.
Although I think some of the
audience were confused. I spoke with many people
who thought that you were
merely all being electrocuted and screaming in
agony for eight minutes.
CHRIS: Well, the band grows and the audience has
to grow. They will. We're
confident of our fan base.
BIG J: Although Dave says we still can't do "Hard
DAVE: I've told you, man, I won't sing a song
written by homosexuals.
BIG J: What the fuck did you just say?
DAVE: Are you kidding me, those two were
butt-buddies, everybody knows it.
CHRIS: I want to point out that the band is
really coming back strong from
BIG J: I'm not going to sit here and listen to
that, you hockey-haired
DAVE: I'm just not gonna sing a song written by
one ugly British fag to
(Big J breaks a bottle of whiskey on the edge of
the table and lunges at
Dave and begins strangling him and tearing at
Dave's Hammer-pants with the
bottle. They hurl epithets at each other. The
rest of the band scoot their
chairs out of the way to avoid being hit by
broken glass, and just then Dr.
M, now seemingly calm, begins saying the word
"Zoompf!" over and over again.
It's becoming increasingly hard to hear, but ever
since the infamous
"Molotov Cocktail Fight" between brothers Big J
and Little J during the
"Your Daughters Are Sucking On Us Right Now"
tour--which would spark more
anti-obscenity and indecency laws in the
tri-state area than any other rock
band--reporters have become accustomed to the
group's backstage antics.)
INT: So what are the plans for the future?
CHRIS: Well, more touring, of course. The
schedule is really booked solid
right now, the band knew this was going to be a
long, hard tour, and they're
gearing up for it. The next show is in five weeks
in Sherwood at the
elementary school, and they'll be appearing at a
gun show in Bismarck over
the Christmas holiday, where they'll be debuting
a new single which will
appear on the NRA's upcoming "Jesus' Weapons" LP,
"Handgun Accidents Are
Part of God's Plan." So watch out, this band is
on the move.
GEISER: And I should add that the band will
continue to grow musically. I've
recently become interested in klezmer and
Hungarian folk songs. I'm also
moving to a new drum kit which will consist
entirely of trash cans filled
with different amounts of water, and I'll play
them by banging their lids
down on them, so I think that will have a
significant influence on our
CHRIS: The band's had a successful formula in the
past, but they don't want
to just rest on their laurels, they want to move
themselves and genre
forward into the next decade.
LITTLE J: They'll also be two new chords coming,
G and E, so stay tuned.
INT: We will. Thanks for your time.