Peter Jackson is Having My Baby
another FOTR: Extended Edition review
December 23, 2002
Okay, so he's not exactly having my baby, but he should, and I couldn't think of a better title for yet another Lord of the Rings movie review. But here it is! Hot off the server and ready to read:
So, for my wife's birthday, I bought her THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING: Special Extended Edition Collector's DVD Gift Set. Along with her five DVDs, she got some sweet Pillars of Argonath bookends. Those babies will go nicely on my desk. Our desk. I meant "our" desk.
And after whipping up my special beef stroganoff, I cracked a case of Schlitz, and we settled in for the three-and-a-half-hour epic adventure. Afterwards, I said to myself, "Sauron--" (I always refer to myself by the Dark Lord's moniker). I said, "Sauron, you should write a review for the Clark Schpiell. I mean, if a lesbian can do it, so can you." And I replied to myself, "Sauron, you're right. I should. God knows I haven't written anything since moving to LA, this cultural wasteland, this good-taste black hole, so why not a good, old-fashioned, pussy-loving movie review?"
To conclude, here's a scene-by-scene, or actually, beer-by-beer breakdown of my personal viewing of TLOTR:TFOTR:SEE. Crack a cold Schlitz (or Hamm's if you're feeling spendy) and enjoy.
Hmm, interesting. The opening sequence is a bit longer than the theatrical version. I don't know if it's necessary, but it does include some important background information. I love the shot of the nine kings of men. It's so foreboding and eery.
I wonder how much longer this opening sequence is going to last. I need more Sauron kicking ass, less Cate Blanchett blah, blah, blah.
This calm before the storm, if you will, is a good opportunity to note the similarities between Middle-earth and World War II Europe. Although Tolkien always scorned such comparisons ... wow, do I have to pee.
Finally! It's over. I guess it's true what they say about excessive narration and exposition: I need another beer.
Damn. Gandalf has one big-ass nose. I guess it's true what they say about wizards and their big noses (wink, wink). Get it? That means they're well-endowed in the staff area, if you know what I mean. Huh? Huh? It means they have big ol' penises.
Pipe-weed. I mean, SERIOUSLY. Was Tolkien some kind of stoner back in the day, or what? You know there's some tie-dye wearin' college kids out there just giggling:
THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING - 1st draft
by Peter Jackson, his wife, and some other dude
Bilbo Baggins and his homey, Gandalf the Grey, are just kickin' it, toking on some long-ass pipes, sipping what appears to be gin and juice.
BILBO: Old Toby. Best damn shit in the whole friggin' Shire. Know what'm sayin', bizitch?
GANDALF: I do not agree, my old friend. Nothing has ever kicked my ass nearly as hard as that madman Chronic.
As Gandalf blows smoke in the form of a ship, Bilbo munches noisily on a burrito.
CUT TO ...
Yes, Liv Tyler. Ride that horse. Ride it! RIDE THAT WILD BEAST UNTIL YOU CAN RIDE NO MORE! Whew. That was fantastic. I need another beer. And a moist towelette.
Is this the sequel to ATTACK OF THE CLONES? I mean, what the fuck is Count Dooku doing here?
Holy crap, that Legolas is one hot chick. She's got small tits, but that ass won't quit! I wonder if she's single. In real life, of course. Not Made-up Fairyland (Middle-earth).
Shit. Elrond has one big-ass forehead. Guess it's true what they say about elves and their big foreheads. Huh? Get it? (sigh)
Elijah Woods is such a little girl. He's like that kid in my grade school everybody used to beat up. Oh, wait. That was me.
That Isildur dude was one stupid fucker. I mean, throw it in the fire already. I guess he just couldn't listen to Elrond. He was too blinded by greed-- and the gleam off that big-ass forehead.
Man, I need to piss. AGAIN. Good. I'll just go during all this Aragorn/Arwen lovey-dovey crap. That Arwen is a hotty, though. But not quite as hot as Legolas. She's the finest babe I've seen in quite some time.
Heh. Heh-heh. Pipe-weed.
My wife has fallen asleep at the Gates of Moria. Crapola. One of the most exciting parts of the whole freakin' movie. Well, I guess she's not gettin' any tonight. Serves her right.
"Nobody tosses a dwarf!" is probably the finest line in all of movie history.
That fucking Balrog can lick my Balsack.
If this was filmed in New Zealand, where the hell are all the kangaroos?
Frodo? Bilbo? What the hell kind of names ARE those? Are they supposed to be fucking Marx brothers or something?
Gimli. Stubby. Heh, heh-heh, heh.
Oooooh! So, Galadriel gave them those gay leaf-brooches. That clears that up. During the theatrical version I thought maybe they had just stopped off at the Bloomingdale's of Argonath.
Smokes. Boromir bit it hard. I guess he should've spent more time playing with his sword, and less time blowing ... his ... uh ... horn. I give up.
Yes, Frodo, hug your chubby lover, Sam. I'm okay with it if you are.
What kind of a stupid fucking ending is that? Thank God this movie did well enough so they could afford a sequel. Otherwise, it's like, leave me totally hanging.
Ha-ha! I saw Dave and Chris's names in the credits. You guys are HUGE nerds. I mean, I knew you were geeks, but nerds, too?
I then proceeded to piss my pants and pass out.
Overall, I give TLOTR:TFOTR:SEE a 17 out of a possible 24 beer. It would've scored higher, but there was no gratuitous sex and no car chase.
I can't wait for THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE TWO TOWERS: Special Super-Duper Extended All The Footage Peter Jackson Has Ever Shot Since He Was Twelve Edition. I'll need a keg.